Confession…

I have a confession…

I smoke a cigarette once in a while, before I go to bed.  I used to be a heavy smoker.  From about age 14, until about 2007. when my then boyfriend, now husband, challenged me with “…maybe you just CANT stop smoking…”.  That was the deciding factor.  I didn’t like anyone deciding there was something I couldn’t do.  But, then again… here we are.

I think this before bedtime routine (although awful for me) was comforting.  Doing something for myself, no matter how self destructive.  My parents used to smoke in our home, the smell is almost comforting, but then again, isn’t that just like me to blame my parents.  After I put the kids to bed, my treat was my dirty little habit that no one knew about.  I am not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination.

Usually, while I am out there, it is so quiet.  Beautiful, serene, blissful silence.  Anyone with tiny humans in their home can relate, this quiet time was the best.  The only sounds were a few cars passing by, my dog occasionally sniffing at the door, the sound of my sump pump regurgitating water away from our home, and one sound… I can’t quite put my finger on it.

We have two huge bushes on either side of the front door.  Every time I am outside, the bushes are alive.  Something lives within these bushes, but I have no idea what it is.  When I am out there, it is moving.  I am afraid of what I might see…err.. or not see, if I check it out, so I don’t.  I like to imagine it is a bunny… not a snake, or raccoon.. but the truth is, I have no idea.  The fear of the unknown is a powerful thing.

We are two months away from jumping into the unknown with our adoption.  It is becoming a reality, a little person is about to materialize from all the paperwork, hoops, and signatures.  A little person with trauma, medical unknowns, and feelings… what feelings, I have no idea.  We are two months away from putting our money where our mouth is and promising someone I have only seen in pictures, that we will love all of him with an unwavering faith that only parents can for their children.  It is almost time to face the unknowns…. it could be a bunny… it could be a snake… we have no idea, but we have already promised to love either outcome with our complete and whole beings.  Scary thought.

Anyone in the adoption world will tell you, the fear of the unknown is the hardest thing in this whole process (except, or maybe in conjunction with, the wait leading up), not knowing what this child will be like, not knowing where the money will come from, not knowing how you will ever complete all the paperwork, clearances, and fiery hoops they require of you.  But they will also tell you IT IS ALL WORTH IT.

Because choosing adoption is not choosing a cute picture from a listing.  It is choosing, just like when you are pregnant, to face the unknown of the soul that is not revealed to you until the day you are united, to bear the trauma that they bear to help them cope, to wipe the tears through the medical tests to make sure they are healthy and happy, and to put your comfort on the back burner for the well being of a stranger.  In my experience so far, our adoption process has been no different then our pregnancy.  We promise to love this baby boy, regardless of our fear of the unknown, and without having to meet him.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”   Mother Teresa

I am terrified of the day they plop this little bundle in my lap.  I know he will be scared.  He will not want to go with us.  I will feel like a bad guy, kidnapping him from all he knows and trying not to take it personally that he wants nothing to do with us, even though we have swooned over his picture for a year now, but then again, it’s not about us is it?  I know it is coming, so I try to be humble and respect his grief and I am prepared, but the unknown is still scary.  I hope God can be with him on this day to help him cope, until he allows me to show him how much I love him, and that I will not leave him.

At the end of the day it comes down to this, when you get to the other side of where you are going after this life, do you want to be the person who says “It was too scary…” or “It was so worth it.”

We choose the latter.

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